How to NOT parent 101

Let me go on a little rant if you will....

When parenting my child, the most aggravating thing I have run across, by far, has been other people trying to parent over me.  This is natural I suppose for grandparents to try to do (but seriously, stop) but for anyone else I view the practice as completely unacceptable.

We spank.  I don't care if you spank or not or what you think of us spanking, and I feel no need to justify our spankings by telling you how we only do one swat and it's so light that if you do it while rough housing she'll laugh her little lungs out, I don't feel any need to go into that (even though I just did a little...).  I don't care what you think about me spanking my child, when she head butts me in the face or does things that I have warned her not to do because get this, they will hurt her far worse than a spanking, we spank.  That's the fact of life.  Our child behaves well, is brilliant, and even tries to help us clean.  Did I mention sh'es 18 months old?
I say all this because, I don't need you to step in when my child throws a fit.  If my daughter is screaming, trust me, I can handle it.  I don't need you to try to comfort her or distract her, teaching her that what she's doing is okay or will be tolerated, or worse yet, rewarded.

God it feels good to get that off my chest.

Now, let's talk about parenting advice.  If a parent doesn't ask for it, don't give it.
You'd think it would be that simple.
I have had it up to the gills with people telling me, "Oh we tried this when so and so was throwing a fit and it worked lovely," in the middle of my stern talk with my child, I don't need anyone's opinion on what taking that tone with my child is going to do to her self esteem.  Her self esteem is just fine, and I nurture it in many ways, but when it's time to be stern with my daughter, the best thing someone can do is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  The best thing anyone can do when a parent is disciplining a child, is step back.  Don't interrupt the process, maybe leave the room if it makes you feel uncomfortable, in fact, leaving the room is probably best in any situation.  The worst thing you can do is distract them, it won't change the outcome, it will just confuse them as to why they are being punished when you make it sound like what they are doing or how they are acting is acceptable.

Respect a parent's rules for their child.  Don't get in between me and my child, don't attempt to take my child out of the building without my permission.  Respect that we hold her hand in public places, especially outside, respect that we don't give her just sugar, respect that I don't want my daughter having barbies, or want her listening to music that encourages girls to do whatever young men want them to.

That being said, I don't care whether or not someone has kids when they are disrespectful of my right to parent my child in the way I feel will make her a successful and functional adult, but if you don't have kids, really, really, I can't say this in a nicer way..... just don't say anything.

I am tired of hearing it from people without kids, excuse me if this rant is taking a personal direction.  I don't care whether or not you have kids, I don't care if you plan to.  I'm not going to judge your life style, and I'm not going to put up with your judgement of mine.  I have been called a breeder, and told that we are less evolved for wanting children, because (and this is something I was actually told) the human race is being evolved into homosexuals so children will no longer be produced, and people who have children are less evolved, thus not as smart or capable as those without.  Now I both believe in evolution and I will fight for gay rights right along with them, but I don't think anyone is more or less evolved.  That is such a rude thing to say.  And as far as calling us breeders? Really? We have two kids (well, one is still baking).  We do not live under ground, and we are not rabbits.  We are, just for the record according to CNN, helping the economy, so when you are old and need a doctor, my daughter can step up and help you... with the respect for her elders that came with her spankings.  That's right, I said it.
I'm also sick of people without kids, who have no experience with kids (I realize there's a wide range of experience or lack there of, but unless you are a parent and have to care for a little one 24/7, I do not consider you being a parental figure, my apologies?) making blanket statements about how people with kids are doing it wrong.  Or how, this is a true story, "People who say, 'I can't remember my life without kids' are selfish bitches."  So you, without kids, are credible to make that statement? I can't remember my life without my daughter, partly because I'm so wrapped up in the love I have for her I don't even want to think about how lonely my life was before her, without even knowing how lonely it was.  Does that make me selfish? I don't remember what it felt like to say, "Hey dear husband of mine, would you like to spontaneously go to a movie tonight?" does that make me selfish? I think it's the exact opposite, that I can't remember what it's like to be in control of my own time, yea, real selfish.

Just for the record, I love that I can't remember what it's like to be without kids.  I love that I wake up every morning (way before I would before kids) to a smiling face asking for juice.  I love how she hugs me and copies our "awwwwww" and I love how she kisses me when I hand her over to her daddy after giving her a bath.  I love how she runs and gets air with every little bounce step.  I love that she dances to the theme song of Daniel Tiger.  I love that she is such a happy girl who delights in learning new things, and I love telling her how much I love her.  I love knowing that no matter what happens I will always be there for her, and I love her more than life itself, and would give mine for her in an instant with no hesitation.  I love having someone to protect and teach in the way you protect and teach your own children.

So I'm sorry if my disciplining my child makes it look like I'm a terrible person, or that she is a poor, poor baby, but it's out of a love for her that is the most intense love anyone on earth has for her, as I am her mother and know her better and love her more than anyone else does.  Her father and I know her best interest, and are molding her into the best version of herself.  We are all for her individuality, while teaching her to be respectful and polite.  She is doing a spectacular job, and I'd like to think we had something to do with it.

Intervention for Barbie?

Oh Barbie, beloved toy from my childhood.
How I loved sending you on joy rides in your Cadillac (Barbie was doing very well in her career at this point in my life), driving from the back seat because I could never keep the front seat in the car thus could never keep track of it.... But you always wore your semi functioning seat belt because along with smarts and style, safety was a top priority, minus all those choking hazard foods of yours that were never quite the right size in proportion to your tiny hands.

What happened? Were you always a prostitute on the side and I was just too naive to see it? You could have driven a Geo and I would have respected you just as much in my little mind.  I remember sensible flats though, not these hooker heels and chunky wedges (that you wear to be babysitter Barbie? Have you in fact ever chased a toddler like the ones you were once packaged with as teacher Barbie?).

You have taken on a range of careers over the years, and looking online, I see you have pursued a nursing career (in heels), and a doctor (just for babies, in heels as well), track star, actress, and even an astronaut, although I'm very confused how you function when your suite is so tight fitting.  Do your heels fit in the suite?

As a mother, I have banned you from my house Barbie.  I have a young daughter who is impressionable, and I would rather her play with trucks and her gender neutral kitchen, than learn how to play with you.  I'm sorry I have to end this relationship, but we just can't see each other until you get yourself cleaned up.  Maybe it's this new crowd you're hanging around, Monster High? I want my daughter to learn she can really be anything, a doctor of any sort (not just for puppies or babies), a teacher who doesn't wear mini skirts, a scientist, anything.  I want her to know that cops don't wear mini skirts, it looks more like a stripper get up when you wear it.  The package that held said cop uniform also held a firefighter uniform.  As a firefighter, I was intrigued, even though my daughter has no Barbies, I was interested to see if maybe you quit the drugs and prostitution Barbie, maybe there was a chance for your rehabilitation, but upon closer inspection, the bunker pants were not bunker pants.... but skinny jeans.  How are you going to be protected in a fire with skinny jeans, Barbie? I won't buy this for my daughter (if she had a Barbie doll to dress up), I won't buy skinny jeans for my daughter! (And yes, they do sell skinny jeans for infants and two year olds alike, which in my opinion is an abomination).

I remember the outfits my grandmother made for you out of blue velvet, they were beautiful, yet didn't show off your lady plastic.  Let me show some examples of the outfits that keep you out of my home, away from my little girl....


Need I mention Monster High?

Who oh dear  Lord.... sell costumes for little girls?!?!?!




Am I the only one who this SERIOUSLY disturbs?!?!?!


An additional fact that gets under my skin, is on the Mattel site, they separate their toys so you can search for  boys or girls.  How helpful, you can search for boys by looking at cars, wrestling action figures.... well that's pretty much it.... or for girls where you can peruse the examples teaching our daughters to dress like their bodies are for sale.  What is wrong with this?

I'm really tired of hearing the "boys vs. girls" toy argument.  They are both way off.
Let's get one thing straight, play is learning for small children, and at some point most of us will both own a car and have babies.  So how on earth should cars or baby dolls be directed at boys or girls? They are GENDER NEUTRAL TOYS and should be marketed as such.  If my son wants to play with a baby doll, it will let him practice nurturing, and caring for a baby.  I should hope these are traits his future wife would want him to have.  If my daughter wants to play with cars, go for it! Learn about engines, learn how things work, cars encourage these things, she's already trying to pry open the hoods of all her car toys (some of them don't open so this leads to much frustration on her part).

How Barbie, can I give you to my daughter and expect her to still care about math and science? How can I expect her to care about how things work, to investigate, to be SMART if all she sees is women are supposed to wear mini skirts and heels? How are we surprised if we give our daughters these toys and wonder why the job market is male dominated?

Why is it Barbie, that you dominate the shelves in stores with your scantly clad self, but dolls who teach girls about nursing their babies are too terrible for our toy aisles? I would rather have my daughter learn that breasts are there for feeding babies over showing them to men (http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2011/07/16/new-doll-that-teaches-how-to-breast-feed-causing-controversy/) but as a culture we would prefer you showing your ta tas to Ken?
Why can't we find any dolls that I wouldn't mind giving my daughter in the toy aisle?
(I was going to find some positive and modest dolls to post images of.... turns out not too many exist that are comparable to Barbie).


Barbie, I have a lot of frustration with this.  Not just with you, but our culture in general.
How come when I was in girl scouts we learned how to make pinwheels with paper, pencil, and a thumb tack, and earned choir badges while the boys got to go camping and learned how to shoot bows and arrows? How come in band class, the girls were encouraged to do flute or clarinet, while the boys got first pick at trombone and percussion? How come if girls want to play football the only place in high school they got the opportunity was powder puff, and it was a joke to everyone who watched? How come I have to buy my daughter boys' pants unless I want her to wear baby skinny jeans (which are in fact, a health hazard http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/health&id=8934155 this is just one source)?
How come when someone sees my daughter they automatically say, "How cute, how pretty," which, of course I agree, but my daughter doesn't need to hear just about her looks.

I want my daughter to know that she has a brain in her head, this isn't something I think Barbie encourages.  So we'll stick to Daniel Tiger (who encourages positive values while teaching children they are loved just the way they are) and toy trucks.

I hope that you get your act together Barbie....
good luck with that, until then though, we're going to keep our distance.

a pro choice approach to ending abortion

I don't like getting political (and I know I do too much).  This is an issue that really sets me on fire.
Abortion.

First, let's dissolve a couple myths.  Pro choice absolutely DOES NOT MEAN pro abortion.  I hate abortion, and I am spending my life fighting it by raising a daughter who will never feel the need to have one, and a son who will not leave a woman believing it is her only choice.
Abortions are primarily women who feel so desperate that they don't feel there is another choice, it's not usually the independent woman working a high paying job who could afford a baby, or at least has the insurance to have the baby and put it up for adoption.  It is primarily women who feel so desperate that they don't feel there is another choice, now, put yourself in their shoes, and think about the hurdles that would keep them from keeping their child, we'll come back to that....

We are completely backwards in our approach as a culture.
We think that making something legal or illegal will matter? No.  It starts where everything starts, with our kids.  I have the simplest, most effective way to stop abortions.  The problem? Participation.
Talk to your kids.
Talk to them when it's awkward.
We have been so caught up in the argument of what the school is allowed to teach our children about sex education, to the point that instead of teaching ways to protect themselves or ways to stay abstinent, they are learning nothing except the raw facts of sex, if that.
Here is a brief description of what my parents told me about sex: "                       . "
I'm pretty sure I had no idea how babies were really made until I was in high school and had access to google.
If we raise kids not telling them about sex, not telling them about what can happen, and ways to prevent it, keeping them informed that accidents do happen and nothing is completely reliable, then they will know what *can* happen, and how to lessen the likelihood.  As much as I would love to tell my daughter to never have sex, to wait until she's married, the numbers don't lie where abstinence is taught, teaching abstinence without the underlying lessons of how to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STDs isn't effective.  As much as, in our dream world, none of our daughters would ever give in to any of those sneaky teenaged boys with their too much axe spray and newly found driver's licenses.

Here is my plan to prevent my daughter from getting an abortion:

1. Talk to her about sex.  Talk to her about ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STDs, but tell her as well there are always surprises.  Things can break, you have to remember to take pills, and I've seen a lot of pregnancies with certain contraception like the ring.  Nothing is 100% but abstinence, but I'm not stupid, I know she's going to be a young lady with a world of young men, and I will tell her about all the options she has to prevent a pregnancy and keep herself well, if she chooses to have sex.  I will also tell her of the emotional ramifications of being giving herself away.
2. I will tell my daughter what I tell her every single day, and what I think parents who don't tell their children should be jailed for withholding from their babies, and that is this:  There is absolutely NOTHING ON EARTH   you can do or say to me or anyone that will lessen my love for you.  This is something I feel could prevent a lot of abortions, but something I am so sad to report not a lot of teenagers hear.  I will always tell my daughter that as long as I am living, I will always be there for her, and that with every breath in me, I will support her.  I will work at McDonald's before I will let her need for anything.  I will tell her, although I'm sure it will be awkward and I really don't want to think that my daughter will lose her innocence until she's 30 and married, is that she will not break my heart or make me upset with her if she comes to me and tells me she is pregnant.  I will not yell at her, I will not throw her out, I will not treat her like she is a huge disappointment.  At that point, it's too late to scare them out of having sex, the deed is done, and you can either shun or love, and no good comes from shunning and shaming your child.  I will love her.  Period.
3. I will let her know she can always talk to me, about anything.  I will not scream at her if she tells me she wants to go on birth control.
4. I will let her in on the age old truth: Boys lie.  Boys will do anything for sex.
5. Probably the most important, I will not let my daughter own barbies.  Or any toy that displays skimpy clothes and whore like makeup.  I want my daughter to play with toys that let her learn and grow, not teach her that she has to dress skimpy and wear a ton of makeup to be of worth.  I will not raise her to think she can do anything she wants... that a girl can do.  I want her to know she can do ANYTHING she wants.  I will not let her think she is limited to the professions of the barbies on the shelves, or of the pink lego boxes (magician, baker, pet groomer).  I let her play with cars, and she loves them as much as she loves her dolls.  I will not teach her that she has to take care of her husband, I am trying my hardest to show her through my husband and myself that marriage is a partnership between two equals, she is not lesser.  I am teaching her she is loved and important and SMART.  The hardest thing to teach my beautiful daughter is that her beauty does not define her, it is not her worth.  Her worth comes from her kindness, her brilliance, her amazing attitude (yes my daughter is a toddler, and yes, her attitude is amazing).  The hardest part of giving my daughter a great self image will be battling what magazines and television are trying daily to tell her.  I will fight the messages of, "you aren't pretty enough, you need this makeup to be beautiful, you cannot be loved if you are overweight, you are worthless if you don't primp and prime yourself," from everywhere.
6. I will teach her that if a boy is pressuring her, he must know he doesn't have a long term shot with her, and he isn't worth it.  If a boy doesn't want to wait, he's not worth it.  She is worth waiting for, she is worth working for, she is worth being polite for.  She is worth so much more than the television is trying to tell her.

Here is my plan to prevent my son from making a girl want an abortion:

1. I will make sure he knows that prevention is HIS responsibility too.
2. I will also tell him I love him so much, and nothing he does will make me love him less, and that he can bring anything to me and I won't kill him.
3. I will make sure he's stocked if he needs prevention, I will tell him I hope he waits, but I am not dumb enough to think that my teenage son will listen to me all the time.  His body is sending him messages so loud he won't be able to hear me over them.  
4. I will make sure he understands that if he gets a girl pregnant, he is not off the hook.  It is his responsibility to support the girl in whatever she chooses, if she wants to raise the baby, I will offer the family refuge in my home, I will offer support, if the mother chooses adoption, I will support him emotionally and I will encourage him to support her emotionally too.  If he wants to keep his baby and the mother does not, I will offer to keep the baby in our home and give any help that they need.

Ending abortion does not lie in the hands of legislators, it will happen whether it is legal or illegal if we continue on the path we are going as a nation.  We have to start at home, start with our sons and daughters, and let them know that we are there for them if they mess up, if they fall, we will help them.  I would venture to say the vast majority of abortions would end if we practiced these principles.  

the best toys no money can buy

I would like to open the forum to talk about the biggest waste of money you bought for your baby, thinking it was a necessity.  Also, things that were very cheap/free that you never expected to love so much.  Maybe, just maybe, by talking this out, we'll save more mothers from wasting money on things they thought they'd love but never use or give them a head's up to what will work.  Maybe throw in what brands were a total let down too.

Let me start.

Bell peppers.  Slices of bell peppers big enough so that they don't pose a choking hazard for a baby who cannot bite through them.  These are the best teething devices money can buy.  My baby likes the yellow and red ones over the green, it was a mistake introducing her to the more expensive breed of pepper.

My daughter can be amused by hours with a tupperware container that has about ten dry beans in it.  We call it baby boggle.  Super cheap, you just have to make sure she doesn't open it and eat the beans.  Our container is pretty hard to open and of course, we only play with it supervised.

The diaper genie.  I've heard differing opinions on this.  My opinion, is that I love it.  I'm too lazy to take a plastic bag out every time I have to change a diaper/toss a poopy wipe.  Also, I feel like getting a bag per diaper is wasteful.  You can cram a ton of diapers and wipes into a diaper genie before you have to empty it.  My husband and I experimented in ways of folding the diapers down to the smallest size we could, and this made it even more efficient.  Some people don't like just throwing diapers in the kitchen trash as well.  I don't like my kitchen smelling like poop, call me a snob if you will.

The good old Bjorn.  The Sweeds really got this one right.


Wipe warmers.  I had one on my registry, and I've given one to a friend before.  I even considered buying one when the shower was over and it was left on the list.  Then my sister let me in a little secret, hold the wipe in your hand for a couple seconds, same effect!

Baby bath towels.  They're cute, but whenever I reach for one to dry my daughter off, I wrap her in it and it feels far too thin.  The one that is thicker is too rough.  Normal towels work just fine.  They lack the little duckies and hoods that make the baby look like a cute woodland animal, but they're functional and most likely you already have them.  Unless you like to drip dry outside with the real woodland animals.  In which case I cannot help you.

Equate baby wash/shampoo.  The pump breaks very easily and despite its claim, it is not tear free.

Biggest waste of money for us, the Sophie giraffe (or whatever the hell her name is).  Not because it's a bad toy, she likes it well enough.  I bought it at Sam's with the stuffed version of the toy.  The package was a whopping 25 dollars.  I got it home and my husband mocked me for buying something that resembled a dog toy so closely, even the dogs thought it was for them.  After being washed so many times it no longer squeaks.  It just wasn't worth the cash.

Jingly toys that hang from the car seat.  These are not totally a waste, but I have one that I thought she'd love, but is now nowhere to be found because every time she'd fall asleep in the car I'd have to nimbly take it off while keeping it quiet and tuck it somewhere where it wouldn't jingle on my waddle into the house juggling a sleeping baby, a diaper bag, and whatever else we got while we were out.

Pacifiers.  Some kids love them, I wouldn't suggest spending a fortune on them until you know your kid is one of them.  My daughter did not, and I wasted so much money trying the nuks, the avents, the razabu things that are kind of like pacifiers but not.... She turned her nose up at every last one of them.

CLOTHES

• A ton of newborn clothes.  They outgrow them in less than a month, and some never even fit in newborn sizes.  
• A ton of any size clothes, you get them tucked in the closet and before you realize they're back there, POOF! New size time.
• I would like to interject that buying second hand baby clothes is the best idea under the sun, as they hardly have any use, and they haven't gone through anything that your baby won't do all over again.
• Carters usually makes really durable, comfy baby clothes.  However, their jammie head holes are a little off around six months.  You might want to buy up a couple months/sizes, jammies are made to be snug fitting so your baby won't catch their clothes on any open flames.  I'm glad they've taken my baby's fire safety, however, I don't plan on holding my daughter over any flames, and she's still too young to be starting any bonfires on her own (once she gets crawling down, then we'll talk).  Buying her age makes the jammies very snug and I worry that they might be uncomfortable for her, so we buy a few sizes up.  Just a suggestion.

Footie Pajamas, be careful here.  I love them, but it's very hard to gauge what size you need at what age with the size of your kid's foot.  You don't want them to have curled up toes to fit in their jammies, and some companies are totally crazy with their foot to age size ratio. 

On the footie subject, baby shoes.  Babies don't wear shoes.  Babies don't need shoes.  MUCH less the baby heals they have these days.  Putting your baby in shoes can actually be bad for their feet.  They're cute, but not needed.  Save your money.

Walkers, they cause hip problems, even if you supervise like a hawk, even if you live in a house with no stairs of hazards.  Our pediatrician told us, and research proves, that they teach the child to walk with crutches, they're not really helping them walk at all.

IN MY OPINION  luvs diapers.  They are indeed about ten bucks cheaper when you buy in bulk at Sam's, but they do not provide the protection of Pampers, and give WAY more diaper rashes than cloth.

• I prefer the all in one cloth diapers, such as made by thirsties and just ordered a bunch of fuzzibuns.  I don't prefer bum genius, but my sister used them almost exclusively with no complaints.  I didn't care for bum genius because they fit my daughter weird, and there is Velcro that rubs against the baby's back side in the one that we have.  
• In the way of disposables, I prefer Pampers, because as my mom pointed out, the straps on Huggies are less forgiving on baby legs.  Both Pampers and Huggies are far softer than Luvs, which, other than the price difference, aren't better by any means.

Speaking of diapers and changing....

Those diaper changing pad covers.  They get peed on every time you put them on clean.  We have one that is constantly in the wash, instead, we use receiving blankets to cover the changing pad.  For some reason my daughter doesn't see the challenge and doesn't pee on them as often, I'm not a scientist, but I do observe.  The blankets are also cheaper, and both faster and easier to throw over the changing pad one handed than the fitted covers that are super expensive for what they are.

Don't buy formula in bulk, because no matter what brand you want to go with, your baby will pick, and reject what they don't like/can't tolerate.... all over your nice clothes.

Nice clothes, big waste.  Won't keep.

Nice things, big waste.  Won't keep.

Cheap things, big waste.  Won't keep.

Anything really, big waste.  Won't keep.

Please contribute your baby product likes/dislikes!